Please send any contributions you would like to : The Crack Up

Updated : 17th January 2001

Q : What does a redneck say after sex?

A : "Get off Pa its Uncles turn !!"

Wedding Bells! This actually IS true-it was in a Watford area local newspaper.
This was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding, at the
reception, the groom got up on stage at the microphone to talk to the crowd.
He said that he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long
distances, to support them at their wedding.
He especially wanted to thank the bride's and groom's families for
coming,and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a fabulous
reception.
To thank everyone for coming and bringing gifts and everything, he
said he wanted to give everyone a special gift from just him. So taped to
the bottom of everyone's chair was a manilla envelope.
He said that this was his gift to everyone, and told everyone to open
the envelopes.
Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 picture of his best man
having sex with the bride.
He had gotten suspicious of the two of them and hired a private
Detective to trail them weeks prior to the wedding.
After he stood there and watched the people's reactions for a couple
of minutes, he turned to the best man and said "F--- you," he turned to
the bride and said "F---you," and then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd
and said "I'm out of here."
He had the marriage annulled first thing that Monday morning.
While most of us would have broken off the engagement immediately
after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with it anyway as
if nothing was wrong.
His revenge?:
Making the bride's parents pay over £32,000 for 300 guests wedding
and reception. Letting everyone know exactly what did happen.
And best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in
front of all of their friends, their entire families, i.e., their parents,
brothers,sisters, grandparents, nieces and nephews, etc.
This guy has balls the size of church bells.
This is his world, we just live in it

A young guy out on the town with his mates spies the girl of his dreams across the dance floor. Having admired her from afar he plucks up the courage to talk to her. Everything goes
better than expected and she agrees to accompany him on a date the following Saturday evening.

Saturday night arrives and the man arrives at her house laden with flowers and chocolates. To his amazement she answers the door in nothing but a towel.

"I'm sorry," she exclaims, "I am running a bit late. Please come in and I'll introduce you to my parents who will entertain you while I finish getting dressed. I should warn you however, that
they are both deaf mutes."

With this she ushers him into the living room, introduces him to her parents and promptly disappears. As you can imagine this is a little uncomfortable as both parents are completely silent.
Dad is sitting in his arm chair watching the soccer game, and Mum is busy knitting. After about ten minutes of complete silence, Mum suddenly jumps from her chair, pulls up her skirt pulls down
her knickers and pours a glass of water over her arse. Just as suddenly Dad launches himself across the room bends her over the couch and takes her from behind. He then sits back down in his chair and places a match stick under each eye lid. The room is plunged back into eerie silence and
the young man is shocked into disbelief.

After a further ten minutes the mother again rises from her chair, pulls up her skirt, pulls down her pants and throws another glass of water over her arse. Dad leaps up gives her
one from behind and places two more match sticks under his eyelids.

No sooner have they concluded this strange behavior and the daughter returns fully dressed ready for their date. The evening is a complete disaster with the young man completely distracted
by the goings on in the living room.

At the end of the evening the girl asks, "What's the matter? Have I done something wrong?"

"It's not you," replied her date, "It's just that the strangest thing happened while I was waiting for you and I am still a bit shocked."

After pleading with him to explain in more detail the young man reluctantly recounts the story. 'Well, first your Mother jumps from her chair and lifts up her skirt. She then pulls down her
pants and throws a glass of water over her behind."

"I see," says the girl, "What happened then?"

"Well, if that isn't enough your Father races from his chair leans Mum over the couch and does her from behind. He then sits back down and places a match stick under each eye lid.'

"Oh, is that all?" replies the girl. The young man can't believe the casual response to this weird practice. "It's easily explained. Mum was simply saying, 'Are you going to
get this asshole a drink?' and Dad was replying, 'No, fuck him. I'm watching the match.'"

Q : What do you call postman pat after he retires?
A : Pat

A donkey walks into a bar and the barman asks why the long face?

Q: WHAT WAS BORN MOTHERLESS,FATHERLESS, WITHOUT A SKIN,SPOKE AT BIRTH, AND NEVER AGAIN? WHAT AM I ?

A : A FART

What did the fish say when he hit his head on the wall?

Damn

Two men sit drinking in the bar at the top of the Empire State Building.
One turns to the other and says: "You know, last week I discovered that if
you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th
floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you
around the building and back into the window." The bartender overhears
this, and just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping down the bar.
The second man says: "What are you, a nut? There is no way in hell that
could happen." The first man says: "No, it's true, let me prove it to
you."
He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and careers toward the
street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him
around the building and back into the 10th floor window, where he takes
the elevator back up to the bar. The second man tells him: "You know, I
saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one-time fluke."
The
first man says: "No, it isn't. I'll prove it again." And again, he jumps
and hurtles toward the street where the 10th floor wind gently carries
him
around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his
fellow
drinker to try it. The second man says: "Well, what the hell, it works,
I'll try it." He jumps over the balcony, plunges downward, passes the
11th
floor, 10th floor, 9th floor ... and hits the sidewalk with a splat.
Back
upstairs, the bartender turns to the other drinker and says: "You know,
Superman, you're a real prick when you're drunk."


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A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and
said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The
husband asked, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, some woman
wanting to know "if the coast is clear."
_______________________________________________________________
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the
sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in them mirror
and
says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let
me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in
the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"
________________________________________________________________
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys
a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door
she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry.
She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome
with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells,
"No,
honey, don't do it." The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"
________________________________________________________________
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly
says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's
the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."
________________________________________________________________
Q: What did the blonde say to her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
A: "Is it mine?"
_________________________________________________________________
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house
ransacked and burglarised. She telephoned the police at once and reported
the crime. The police dispatcher broadcasted the call on the channels, and a
K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer
approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch,
shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions
stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a
BLIND policeman!"

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station.
They approached one of the petrol pumps, and one of them said to it,
"Greetings, earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."
The petrol pump, of course, didn't respond. The alien repeated the greeting.
There was no response. The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the
petrol pump's haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently,
"Earthling, how dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader or I
will fire! "The other alien shouted to his comrade, "No, you mustn't anger him!" But
before he finished his warning, the first alien fired.
There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the
desert, where they landed in a heap. When they finally regained
consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said, "What a
ferocious creature. It nearly killed us! But how did you know he was so
dangerous?"
The other alien answered, "If there's one thing I've learned during all my
travels through the galaxy, it's that if a guy has a penis he can wrap
around himself twice and then stick into his own ear, don't mess with
him!"

A millionaire is driving around his home town in his prized BMW one day
and is a bit bored. He pulls up to a set of traffic lights and is
thinking about his life, when a little Mini pulls up next to him and they
both look at each other.

The rich man looks down his nose at the lowly Mini, and decides to try
and
brighten up his boring day by showing off to the bloke in the Mini as
they waited for the lights to turn green. So he looks down at him and
presses a button to lower his electric power window, and it smoothly
goes down. But is then surprised as the Mini driver looks up at him and
presses a button in his little car and he too has electric windows.

The rich man is a bit miffed by this, so decides to go one better, and
presses another button in the BMW and watches as the Convertible roof
peels back slowly and goes back into it's own little compartment at the
back. Beat that he thinks and looks down at the little mini. Then to his
amazement, the Mini driver presses a button in his car, and the roof
slowly peels back and conceals itself away in it's compartment just as
smoothly as it did in the BMW.

The millionaire can't believe it and is now truly pissed off. Then as he
desperately thinks of something else to press, the Mini driver
toots his horn to get his attention and as he looks down he watches the
man press another button in his little car. He can't believe what he
sees.
The passenger seat and all of the rear seats in the Mini fold away and
upside down, to turn into a luxury bed, with duvet, pillows, a headboard
and even a little bedside cabinet complete with reading lamp.

The lights turn green and the mini speeds off. The rich man cannot
believe it. He has been totally outdone by a lowly Mini. Well he can't
have that and drives straight to his BMW dealer and demands he have the
same thing installed in his car, no matter what the cost.

A week later and $25,000 worse off, he is back in his BMW, bed installed,
looking for the little Mini to show off to.
He drives around all day and as night falls, he is just about to give up
when he finally sees the little car parked up in a layby, with all the
windows steamed up.

Perfect he thinks to himself, and can't wait to see the Mini driver's
face
as he shows him.

So he drives up alongside the little car and presses a button and lowers the power window. He leans out and taps on the driver's window of the
mini, and waits.

Nothing. He taps again, a bit louder this time and waits. Still nothing.
He bangs on the window and shouts "come on, stop shagging I've got
something to show you."

The Mini's window finally lowers and out pops the drivers head, dripping
wet.
"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT?" shouts the Mini driver.

"Look at this," the rich man replies, and presses his new button and
watches with pleasure as all the seats in the BMW fold away and turn
into
a luxury bed, even better than the one in the Mini. "Well what do you
think of that then?" He asks.

The mini driver looks at him in amazement and says "You got me out of the
shower just to show me that?"

Two guys are sitting in a bar discussing their favourite sex positions. The first guy says i like rodeo style, and the first guy says whats rodeo style? and the first guy says, well I get my wife in the doggie position and when she is about to come I tell her that her sister loves this position and I see if I can ride her for 8 seconds.

A man walked into a bar with a ostrich under one arm and a cat under the other. He orders a pint of beer but the cat said "no you will have a pint of bitter its cheaper" so he orders a bitter. He then asks the barman for a packet of pork scratchings but the cat said "no you will have a packet of crisps they're cheaper" so he orders some crisps. Eventually the barman asks why he has an ostrich under one arm and a cat under the other. The man replies "I saw a lamp so I rubbed it and the genie says I will give you 1 wish if you release me so I wished for a long legged bird with a tight pussy"

This vampire bat comes flapping into his cave, face all covered in fresh
blood and parks himself on the roof to get some sleep. Pretty soon all
the other bats smell the blood and begin hassling him about where he
got it. He tells them to bugger off and let him get some sleep, but they
persist until he finally gives in.

"Okay, follow me," he says and flies out of the cave with
hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they go, across a river and
into a huge forest of trees. Finally he slows down and all the other bats
excitedly mill around him tongues hanging out for blood.

"Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asks.

"YES, YES, YES!" the bats all scream in a frenzy.

"Good," says the vampire bat, "Because I bloody didn't."

" Best Comeback Line Ever."

In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white
male, resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m. on Friday.
Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public
indecency, and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on
Monday. The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he
decided to stop.

"You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one
around
here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone
interview.
Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side Of the road, picked
out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in
it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need." "I guess I was just really
into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a Gwinnett County
police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer
Brenda Taylor approached him.

"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said officer Taylor."I
walked up to (Lawrence) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin."

Taylor went on to describe what happened when She approached Lawrence.
"I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are
screwing a pumpkin?'
He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then looked me
straight in the face and said, "A pumpkin? Damn...is it midnight already?"

Three businessmen were sitting in a bar, drinking and
discussing how stupid their wives were:
The first says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to
the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on
sale,and we don't even have a fridge big enough to keep it in.
The second agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his
is thicker. "Just last week, she went out and spent $17,000 on a new car," he
laments, "and she doesn't even know how to drive!"
The third, a blonde male, nods sagely and agrees that these two women
sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every
branch. However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. "Ah, it kills me
every time I think of it," he chuckles. "My wife left to go on
Greece. I watched her packing her bags and she must have put
about 100 condoms in there. She doesn't even have a penis!"

Q: what is the fatty tissue around a pussy?
A: a women.

Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 30 years with only
apes for company, and suitably shaped holes in trees for sex.

Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this legendary figure. Deep
in the wilds she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously
thrusting into a jungle oak. She watched in awe for a while.

Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion Jane came out into the
open and offered herself to him. As she reclined on the wild grass Tarzan
ran up to her and gave her a big kick in the crotch. In pain she screamed
'What the hell did you do that for?' Tarzan replied, 'Always check for
squirrels.'

What do you call a blonde standing on her head?
A brunette with bad breath!

An old man is driving down the expressway when his wife calls him on the car phone. she says "honey becarefull some idiot is driving the wrong way on the expressway!" he replies " Well honey its not just one there's hundreds of them!"

If you are in a room with 100 illegal immigrants and within seconds there is only 40 what do you do?
stop laughing and reload the gun

Why are ethiopian head jobs so good..?
because they always swallow

EULOGIES

After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for orientation.
They are all asked the same question: "When you are in your casket, and
friends and family are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them
say about you?"

The first guy immediately responds, "I would like to hear them say that I
was one of the great doctors of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband
and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of
tomorrow."

The last guy thinks a minute and replies, "I'd like to hear them
say......LOOK, HE'S MOVING!!!!!"

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a swimming pool?
BOB!!!!!!!!!

A NUN WAS WALKING DOWN THE STREET ONE COLD SNOWY DAY. WHEN SHE NOTICED TWO ALTER BOYS WITH THEIR PANTS DOWN AROUND THEIR ANKLES AND THEIR PENISES STUCK IN THE SNOW. THE NUN SAID TO THE BOYS "BOYS, BOYS WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"
ONE TURNED AROUND AND SAID "THE FATHER LIKES A COUPLE OF COLD ONES AFTER MASS.

What do call a women with no legs?
Peg

One day, a man and his wife were driving down a country lane when the man spotted a sign at the edge of a field which said; "Cow for sale, £5000" The man turned to his wife and said "No cow is worth £5000, it cant be true." Further down the road, the man saw a farmer standing at the edge of a field with a cow that had a sign around its neck which read; "Cow for sale, £5000" so the man stopped the car, got out, and approached the farmer. When he got to him he said "Look mate, no cow in the world is worth five grand." to which the farmer replied "Oh yeah" and lifted up the cows tail, where it had a shaft like a womans. The man stared at it open jawed, after a while he closed his mouth and returned to his car. As he sat in the drivers seat and closed the door, he turned to his wife and began to cry. "Whats the matter darling?" she said, putting her arm round him "Its not fair," he replied "there he is,with a cow, with a shaft like a womans, thats worth five grand, and
here I am, with you, with a shaft like a cow, and you aint worth shit!"

Q: There was a gay couple and a lesbian couple! Both couples left L.A. and went to San Francisco for the 4th of July Firework Show!! The show was over and they were on their way home, which couple got home 1st?!?!
A: The lesbian couple go thome 1st because they were going 69 miles an hour! And the gay couple were still packing their SHIT!!!

A bear and a Rabbit go for a shit in the woods. The bear turns to the rabbit and asks "do you have trouble with shit sticking to your fur?" The Rabbit answers "no". Good says the bear as he picks up the Rabbit and wipes his ass

Three nuns were talking. the 1st nun said,"I was in the priests room getting laundry and I found porno. mags. in the landry basket!" Then the second nun says," i can beat that any day I was putting up the priest's socks and I found condoms!" "What did you do with them?", said the 1st nun. The 2nd nun said," I punched holes in every one." The third nun fainted.

Q: What do you call a blonde with pigtails?
A: A blowjob with handlebars

BOY : Dad i keep getting picked on at school because I can't tell the difference between a cunt and a pussy.

DAD : Follow me son your mother is upstairs sleeping.the father lifts the duvet and says to his son that is a pussy.

BOY : Ace dad can I play with it. DAD : NO SON you will wake the cunt up.

Q : Why does a hooker earn more than a drug dealer?

A : Cause a hooker can clean her crack and sell it again!!!